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“Personal unhappiness
is the
greatest contributor
to relationship problems.”
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"You don't love me
like I love you"
Problems can creep in when we start to have thoughts of “do I love
him more than he loves me?” We start examining all the things we
do for our lover. All the ways we express our love and how much time
and energy we’re putting into the relationship. Then we try to figure
out if our lover is giving an equal amount back. If we perceive
a discrepancy in that balance sheet, we start to back away from the relationship.
We don't want to love more than they love. We become fearful that if
we love them more than they love us, we might be played for a fool.
Useful Questions:
- Focus on how you feel when YOU are loving. Does loving someone
feel good regardless if it’s returned? Is your loving someone
conditional on them loving you back? If so, why?
- Do you feel loved when your partner isn’t around? If not,
why not? Do you accept yourself, appreciate your qualities?
- Are you doing things for your lover that you really don't want
to do, but feel you need to, to keep their love? Are you doing
things for them, expecting something in return? What are you
expecting? And have you told them what that is?
- Have you talked to your partner about what things cause you
to feel loved? (Don’t get caught up in “if they loved
me, they’d know”, cause they don’t.)
"We don't have anything in common anymore."
You love each other and that's why you got together in the first
place, but you don't really seem to have much in common anymore.
You’re into philosophy and art. They're into sports. You like
books and going for walks, and she always wants to go sailing.
But you tell yourself that marriage is a sacrifice. A give and
take. You’ve been told you should put aside your own interests
to make the relationship work. You have to compromise, right? But
when you give up what you love for the sake of the relationship,
you end up resenting the person and conclude you don't have anything
in common.
If you had these differences when you fell in love, chances are
it's not about having nothing in common, but not having the
connection and intimacy you once had.
Useful Questions:
- Has the amount of one-on-one time changed since you first met?
- Do you still share everything with your partner like you use
to?
- What
would happen if you did what you wanted, and they did what
they wanted?
- How much time do you have to spend with your lover to feel
you have a successful relationship? How did you arrive at that
amount? What would it mean if you had separate interests?
- Do you see yourself and your partner as two separate people
who choose to be together or do you feel some type of obligation?
- Do you believe “Love means to sacrifice.”? If so,
why?
"We can't talk about that."
Every time you approach certain subjects, it turns into an argument.
In the back of your mind, you decide to avoid that topic in the
future because you don't want to fight. You don't want the conflict.
You believe fighting means the relationship is on rocky ground
or is threatening to the relationship. You want to stay together,
but believe if you fight, you might separate. So you become afraid
to talk about one or two subjects. Over time, that list of "don't
touch that one" becomes more and more numerous. And as the
list of avoided topics grows, it starts to feel like you can't
talk with each other anymore. You feel distant and detached. You
start wondering how much longer you can live like this. The silence
grows.
Useful Questions:
- Examine your beliefs about love and arguing. Are you afraid
of being hurt in relationships? Does disagreeing with someone
always mean hurt feelings? If so, why? How could you do it differently?
- Do you limit yourself in some way when with your lover? Why?
What might happen if you let them see and hear all of you?
- Is honesty in your love relationship ever a “wrong” move?
Why do you believe that? (Read more about how honesty effects relationships)
- Talk to your partner about your concerns while keeping the
focus on your feelings and not their behavior. (Helpful hint:
Be watchful of terms like “you always, you never, you make
me feel.” Try this instead: “When you [the behavior],
I find myself felling [your feelings]...”)
- Learn to be more accepting of your partner by becoming more
accepting of yourself.
"It would be easier to start over with someone else."
Some time has passed in the relationship and you've both built
up lies. Some big ones but mostly small ones. They're not blatant
lies, but mostly unspoken thoughts and feelings. The intentions
behind the lies were to protect yourself and your partner from
pain. But now, your problems seem overwhelming and you can't talk
openly and honestly about them because you've already established
a certain pattern of communication. It seems it would be considerably
easier to just start fresh with a new partner. One where you could
be yourself without fear.
Useful Questions:
- Is honesty in your love relationship ever a “wrong” move?
Why do you believe that? (Read more about
how honesty effects relationships)
- Get clear on what you've lied about to your partner. What would
happen if you shared what you learned? What is the worst that
would happen? Are you capable of handling that? Why or why not?.
- Figure out what you're afraid would happen if you were honest
with them about those issues.
- Talk to your partner about your concerns of being TOTALLY honest.
Keep the focus on YOUR feelings and not their behavior.
- Muster up the courage to tell them what you've lied about.
Repeat to yourself, "No matter what happens, I will be okay."
"If you loved me you would....."
Unspoken and unacknowledged expectations take a large toll in
relationships. In having expectations, you're expecting your partner
to be a certain way in order to believe they love and care about
you. If you don't get what you expect, you conclude all kinds of
negative things about the relationship that may not be true.
Useful Questions:
- Do your expectations have to be fulfilled for you to be happy?
If so, why?
- Do you expect your partner to conform to your wants? What does
it mean when they don't?
- Do you have preset rules in your love relationships? If so,
what are they and why?
- Do you find yourself often saying “he should” or “she
should”?
- Do you have any “If you loved me you would...[fill in
the blank]'s”? If so, what are they?
- Can you think of a time you didn't do what someone wanted you
to do? Did you love them, even though you didn't do what they
wanted? Could it be the same with your partner?
- Do you use another’s words and actions as “evidence
or proof” that they love you?. If your partner does that
thing or activity you want, then do they love you? If they don't,
is that a sign they don't love you or care? If yes, why?
- Understand everyone has different wants, desires, and beliefs
about what it means to be loving.
- Be Honest
- Examine what expectations you DO have, then openly discuss
them with your partner. Find out what theirs are.
How We Fight
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Overview
